Sunday, November 20, 2011

Strange Craving Combination

I remember exactly how old I was when lunch item crossed my plate.  I was six years old, in my first year of kindergarten, probably terrified of what the world had in store for me.  It was a time of joy and care free living, no bills, and no issues yet, no time for grown up ideals, just being a kid, what could be better?  Let me tell you.  At this point in the Longstreth house there were three children, an oldest Tami, a second Jo and the greatest son ever, me.  But trouble was on the horizon.  You see, as luck would have it, after having 5 ½ years of joyous living due to the fact that your perfect only son was brought into your life, Marie was pregnant.  We were going to have another sibling.  Why, I would ask, perfection has already crossed your door, I would need no other sibling in my life.  I already have two sisters who cannot see how great I will become.  This child will not have any chance; he or she will only have to be second best at everything after I leave my mark.  But I could not stop this.  This is going to happen and I am going to like it, says Hank and Marie.  We’ll see about that!
My mom is pregnant.  Many of you have siblings, younger or older, or children.  So when I tell you that most pregnant women have cravings comes to little or no surprise.  More times than not this would most generally be a combination of food that would not normally go together.  My hopes at this time is that maybe my mom would crave ice cream, see GICED posted 5/29, or even Ho Ho’s, a future post.  Here is the problem in my kitchen; how will I determine if what Marie makes and eats is a craving or is something she has seriously made for family consumption?  By even having this blog you can see my dilemma.  I haven’t read any research; could it be possible that as embryos our palates are created by the feeding behavior of our mothers during gestation?  Or could our tastes be programmed by the eating habits of our expectant mothers feeding rituals applied during pregnancy onto siblings outside the womb?  This adolescent period in our lives is a great developmental period.  In this case, I think it is the latter, because I get cravings as do most people.  Some of my yearnings can be solved with ice cream or something spicy or chocolate, even salty and crunchy.  I have one craving that cannot be solved by anything aforementioned.  It was a craving my mom had during the incubation of our fourth sibling, LOL, that’s funny!  Sorry Margo, but you weren’t born yet and incubation is funny!  I digress, back to the unsolved craving.  There are many combinations concerning one ingredient, peanut butter:  PB & J, PB & banana, PB & marshmallow.  All of which were conceived, no pun intended, by expecting mothers.  Why else would you ever even try such combinations?  I think my mom got this from her mom, believe it or not; Peanut butter and Pickle.  Not sweet pickle but dill pickles.  Mom and I would have these sandwiches together and later in life she would pack these in my lunch for school.  My friends would make fun of me for eating this combination but I would never forget the satisfaction each sandwich would bring.  Not even to this day; this amalgamation of ingredients will always bring back my then, six year old memories of fulfilling my pregnant mothers’ cravings. 
Here is the recipe:  two slices of soft sandwich bread, apply a thick layer of peanut butter to each slice.  This is important; because you do not want pickle juice soaked bread on one side.  If you can find them, dill pickle chips (hamburger slices), they used to call them, add a row of 3 across the top, middle and bottom of the peanut butter bread, 9 total, no more no less.  Top the pickled side of bread with the other, the craving solver can now be enjoyed.  Try this for your next craving and see if it works.  Maybe it will or maybe it won’t, but don’t knock it until you try it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Condiment Conspiracy

As you may have figured out by now I’ve been pretty hard on my mother’s cooking skill, or lack thereof.  It has been an issue for my culinary views and tastes since I have been a toddler.  Hopefully my mom didn’t try her hand at baby food.  Or did her ineptness actually start in the womb?  She will never let that cat out of the bag.  On a recent trip to Ohio, I had the opportunity to consult my sisters.  I say consult with reservation.  I should say asked my sisters about any memories from their past that I may have missed or was not around to taste.  Nothing came to their minds…really, nothing more to add?  This got me thinking.  What am I missing?  Did she only try to poison me, her only begotten son?  My head is spinning with doubt, confusion and contemplation.  Aha!  I am beginning to remember now.  My second eldest sister, Jo, must have figured this bad meal thing out early.  My oldest sister, Tami, I’m not sure about her palate just yet.  But Jo, she had it figured out early.  Memories of Jo eating meals lent me to this one conclusion:  My mom’s meals must have really sucked or I just didn’t have the nerve to pull the condiment thing off like my sister.  Quite possibly there is one sibling in every family who gets it.  The “it” I am speaking of, is covering up the bad taste with condiments.  I use the term condiment loosely.  Condiments in our house were very conventional, only the basics: mustard, mayo, extra salt, maybe some leftover relish from a past hot dog night.  Not sure why we had mayo, oh yes the tuna salad.  Yuck, it’s still haunting.  Hot sauce you may ask; are you kidding?  I didn’t even know they made hot sauce until I was about fourteen.  That would have given me cause to experiment, maybe even make Marie’s cooking tolerable, but back to my sister and her masterful preparation of choking down meals prepped by America’s worst cook.  She never let on to her secret, not even to this day.  Maybe she doesn’t even know she has a secret.  But I’m on to her.  It went like this: scrambled eggs w/ketchup, meatloaf w/ketchup, pot roast w/ketchup, hash browns w/ketchup, fried chicken w/ketchup, scalloped potatoes w/ketchup, tuna salad w/ketchup: you’re starting to get the picture now.  It has become very clear to me that Jo wasn’t even trying to hide the fact my mom’s cooking sucked.  Or I was too naive to see.  She put ketchup on everything!  What the hell could I have been doing?  I surely wasn’t paying attention.  The answer was there and Jo had it all the time.  Could it be possible my other sister Tami was sneaking hot sauce?  Son of a bitch, the pure neglect and abuse I have been put through just keeps coming.  Ketchup on everything was the answer to my mom’s cooking all along.  Nice going Jo.  You went through your childhood knowing Marie had zero culinary ability.  Damn it, how could I be so blind?  Lucky for your taste buds, mom kept you in supply.  I guess you deserve the ketchup; I still got the Hi-C Grape juice.  By the way, Tami, if you read this and you come clean with the hot sauce, I will know it was a conspiracy against me.  Jo with her ketchup and you with the hot sauce, always against the younger brother: I see how it works.  I think Jo has outgrown her ketchup thing but if you happen to get an invite to Marie’s for dinner, there will ketchup in the fridge for sure.  Enjoy!