An 8 Year Old Vegetarian?

On a rare trip to the drive-in theatre, yes I said drive-in theatre.  You remember the ones; the gigantic screen, large parking lot overgrown with weeds and a never ending row of galvanized pipe with 2 speakers on either side.  These were not Bose speakers.  This speaker is mono tuned with weather resistant materials inside and out, a sculpted metal hanger to hook on a partially rolled down driver’s side window.  We had a station wagon; yup I had to sit in the back.  Do you think I ever heard one word of any movie our family of 6 attended?  My mom would always pack dinner and put it in a cooler.  Usually some kind of cold cut sandwiches, a can of Faygo soda, and homemade caramel corn for dessert.  The movie, I mean the sandwich, which is etched in my memory was the BLT minus the B.  I know I’m special, being the only boy, but why would you feel the need to deprive your only son of meat, especially bacon?  I recall driving to this movie theatre shedding tears of unhappiness and exclaiming child abuse out the rear window.  My sandwich consisted of mayo, lettuce, tomato on cold toast, a vegetarian delicacy.  Whatever!  I was not vegetarian and do not recall any vegetarians in the 1970’s in my neck of the woods.  I was a growing boy, I needed protein, especially bacon, give me all the bacon and give my sisters vegetables, not to stereotype or anything but I needed meat.  I think Bambi was the movie we attended that fateful night.  If it weren’t for the caramel corn, I could have ended up like Bambi’s father.  Bambi’s father dead from a hunter’s bullet.  Rob Longstreth, 8yrs old, dead from parental negligence (lack of protein intake, no bacon) may he rest in peace.

Two Pieces of Fat

There are many scrupulous recipes.  Most of which contain sophisticated ingredients, time consuming prep time or high levels of culinary skill.  None of which has ever been witnessed in our kitchen.  You may even speculate how anything more complicated than a handful of ingredients was ever assembled and presented as dinner on our table.  One can only assume that treacherous waters like these have never been tapped.  Wrong!  My mom would challenge the one dish that took numerous ingredients, time and love.  She would often try to replicate this dish with little success.  Each opportunity would lend itself to disaster, not un-edible disaster, but lacking the required consistency needed to achieve proper texture and flavor.  I may have sparked your interest as to what dish I am speaking.  To quote my dad, “Get out the straws we’re having baked beans.”  Yes, the alarmingly difficult baked bean.  The straw reference indicated that the beans placed on our table would be very soupy.  I am not certain that replicating Marie’s recipe is possible.  She has mastered the recipe to a T, identical every time.  This recipe has never been shared, never taken to the family reunion picnic, pot luck dinner nor has anyone other than my immediate family ever partaken in this delicacy.  With my culinary skill increasing I think I have figured out my mom’s dilemma.  I think I can actually solve the soupiness.  What her recipe calls for is basic ingredients to flavor the beans.  She would start with the can of pork and beans.  You know the ones; about 8oz of beans, 8oz of syrupy mystery liquid and 2(no more no less) pieces of pork fat.  I believe the fat is pork, I personally have never had it analyzed, but I have never tasted it either.  She would then add some diced onion, brown sugar, salt, pepper and ketchup.  Place this mixture into an oven safe cooking vessel and bake; you guessed it 350°, for about an hour.  They would come out of the oven piping hot, bubbly and of course soupy.  Why, you may still wonder?  I will let you in on the secret.  Not once did it ever occur to Marie to only use the beans.  She always used the mystery liquid.  The thought of having the unknown liquid, adding more liquid i.e. brown sugar and ketchup, never clicked the “duh” switch.  If you subtract most of the mystery liquid the beans would have a chance to reduce and create naturally thickened gravy for the beans to cohabitate.  The beans would be much happier and so would the family. 

I don’t usually have time to bake beans.  So I will give you a stove top recipe.  I have no pre-conceived notion that these are traditional baked beans but they will represent a reasonable facsimile.  Take that same can of pork and beans, but take the lid and strain off most of that nasty liquid.  Remove the 2 pieces of fat.  Take some diced onion, about 1 tablespoon, and soften with one slice of diced uncooked bacon in a medium sauce pan over medium heat.  Next add the beans, salt and pepper, 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard, 1 tablespoon dark molasses, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, 1 tablespoon ketchup, couple dashes of Worcestershire sauce and a drop or two of Tabasco.  Cook over medium low heat.  They will begin to thicken, once they reach your required consistency remove from heat and serve.  This dish can be made in the amount of time it takes to fire up your grill and cook a couple of burgers.  Grilled burgers and (baked) beans…what could be a better pairing?  Throw in a cold beer and I’ll be right over.  I won’t even think about bringing a straw.