Crap My Lips Will Never Touch Again

If you can imagine the horror and plight of my hatred for canned peas compounded with the sheer disgusting smell and taste of canned tuna, then welcome to the nightmare.  The bad dreams have been terrorizing me for the last 6 days.  Let me explain.

This one will begin with two of the most disgusting ingredients known to man, canned peas and canned tuna.  For my tastes this could not get any more horrifying.  See “Take Your Medicine” from November of last year.  There is just no use for canned peas.  Now if you recall back in May, my post of Odorous Pescado, my hatred of canned fish, you are going in the right direction.  I think just maybe canned tuna out ranks canned salmon.  I just thought again and it DOES out rank canned salmon for complete nastiness.  I can only recall eating canned tuna once in the very dish I am about to explain.  Once was enough!  Wait, once was too many.  Canned salmon patties were served numerous times in the Longstreth house.  But one day long ago, a fork, canned tuna and my mouth shared a very brief moment together.  That day, that moment changed my life forever.  When I smell canned tuna, I get that stomach wrenching, deep throated hurling, over activated saliva producing, eerie feeling of discomfort that comes with anguish and much fear.  Get away, my brain tells me.  But like a car wreck, I just have to get another whiff of vomit starter.  I can tell you for certain that I have no recipe for what is about to be unleashed.

The Tuna Noodle Casserole, you guessed it.  Why on earth is there any reason to create such a revolting dish?  What did I do?  Am I in trouble?  Are you serious with this?  What kind of mother comes to the table smiling carrying this?  Picture your mom as the grim reaper approaching with a casserole dish instead of the scythe, now that is a more realistic dramatization.

 As I sat down to watch fireworks on July 4^th, a lady of similar age to me was eating a bag of kettle corn.  I asked if she would like to try my bag of homemade caramel corn, she said no but her daughter agreed to try and loved it.  I explained to her daughter that if she read my blog she could get the recipe for Marie’s Caramel Corn, thank you mom for the recipe.  But as we began talking, this lady (also from the Midwest) began telling me about her bad meals.  Bam!  She said it out loud!  “Did you ever have the Tuna Casserole with the canned peas, canned tuna and smashed potato chips on top?”  WTF, I began sweating, my mouth salivating (the bad way) this conversation had taken a turn for the worst.  I listened to what she had to say but the entire time I was in fear.  Fear that somewhere around the corner that grim reaper looking mother was coming with a Pyrex baking dish full of putrid tuna and soggy peas for only me to consume.  I was near panic and tried to change the subject as to why the potato chips were used.  Neither of us could come to any logical conclusion.  My thought for the chips was to make it appealing to young children.  What kid doesn’t like chips?  And what family doesn’t have a partial bag of broken chips in the cupboard?  Logically you put them on top of something you want to hide.  Mix in a bag of noodles and it sure sounds delicious.  Whatever!  I stopped talking to the lady behind me, she’s scary, and I think she saw the fear on my face and got a kick out of frightening me.  I quickly polished off my bag of caramel corn and continued fretting about the casserole.  I wondered what the sauce was holding together this weapon of mass of destruction.  Why do I have a frozen container of this in my freezer?  I didn’t buy it, where did it come from?  Is someone trying to kill me?  I have no answers for the sauce and will never be able to tell you what makes this dish so yummy.  But I do know this. I know what makes it revolting.  If you mix canned peas and tuna together and think about bringing it to my house, think again brothers and sisters.  You, my friends, are not welcome.  Come back and try again with the following recipe.

 Caramel Corn Recipe:  16cups of popped corn (please pop your own corn, it makes the recipe), 1 stick of margarine (I used butter), 1 cup of brown sugar, ¼ cup Corn syrup, ½ teaspoon of salt and baking soda.  In a sauce pan combine margarine, sugar, corn syrup and salt, bring to a boil and continue for boiling for exactly 3 minutes.  Remove from heat and add baking soda, mix thoroughly and pour over cooked corn, mix to combine and place on sheet pans to bake for 5-10 min @ 200°.  Break up clumps and enjoy.  Caution it is hot.  I added some coarse salt to mine and wow what a difference.  Sorry Mom, I just had to change it a little.