The Branding Fork

Growing up we never ate appetizers, as a kid I didn’t even know what they were.  Maybe I was naïve, but I am positive we never ever had anything to eat before a meal; at least not without getting an ass whooping for spoiling our supper.  We may have, on occasion, had a “salad,” iceberg lettuce and carrot chunks.  Wait, my mom had a fondue pot…oh yes still not an appetizer, this was our meal!  I can remember it only being on special occasions.  Nights like New Years Eve, during The Lawrence Welk Show, you know, the special occasions.  Rarely used, our fondue pot is still probably like new.  My mom may still have it somewhere in the room of “stuff the kids will want?”  Whatever MOM; quit packing that shit around and get rid of it already; we left it, because we don’t want it either!  Anyway, it couldn’t have been any more fun or more hands-on than a meal that included our fondue pot.  I don’t know what happened to the thought process in the 70’s, with all the smoking, bell bottoms, Farah Fawcett hair and polyester; but let me tell you, sanity was not living in my house.  In our house it was pre-teens dipping raw beef and Wonder bread cubes into hot oil, and eating from the 350 degree fork!  Safety first, by that I mean dad first.  For Christ’s sake you are making me fry my own, unseasoned, fucking croutons!!!  For dinner…are you kidding me?  But what the hell you only live once, right?!  The skin on my lips grew back okay.  And for dessert, let’s pour out the hot oil, wipe out, not wash the pot and add chocolate chips and dip more croutons.  Have you ever tried to hold a banana on a metal stick upside down for more than a second?  It can’t be done.  Stick with the bread, boy; I’ll get that banana for you.  The bananas never touched my lips, I was restricted to bread and mini marshmallows.  I guess this was my first taste of an “appetizer” I just didn’t know it.