Put on Your Easter Sunday Best

Happy Easter everyone, or is it Merry Easter or hurray for Jesus has risen?  Whatever the case may be, let’s really look at the reasons we celebrate Easter.  First of all, we as parents get to hide shit around our houses and laugh at our children as they try to find the hidden treasures.  Wait, I think we hid something behind the lamp, or is it behind the book?  I hope they find it because I can’t remember where we put those damn eggs!  Speaking of eggs, coloring them is a priceless, messy and time consuming event that always produced eggs that were at best dual colored.  Nothing in our house ever, ever looked like the beautiful eggs on the box of the PAAS coloring kit.  I don’t know about you, but that little wax pencil never did the detail work like suggested.  Our family would boil one dozen eggs and proceed to color them and hopefully find all 12 when morning came.  The joy of peeling a colored egg and eating this for breakfast may have been one of life’s little moments.  Like you were getting to do something that the rest of the world looked at as taboo.  Wash down the egg with a little chocolate, now you’re in business.  Deviled eggs for Easter brunch, yup, every recipe included mayo and mustard, variations beyond that were never realized in our house.  Maybe some salt and pepper.  I love them but, in hind sight (or should I say “hind smell”) they do not love me.  Enjoy your eggs everyone!

The chocolate:  I was one of those kids who would wish for nothing other than a solid milk chocolate Easter Bunny.  What happiness it would bring if only the bunny was solid.  Each year I would be greatly disappointed.  The hollow bunny would rest in my basket amongst the little chocolate footballs, a few Peeps and usually something marshmallow.  Before I could read, deciding if my bunny was hollow or not was by weight.  I would carefully grasp and curl the bunny, was it heavy?  Maybe, curl again, maybe not.  I can’t tell.  At this age I couldn’t differentiate between what should be heavy and what heavy actually was, all I wanted to know is was this bunny solid or not.  If not, disappointment soon would follow and if it was, joy and celebration would ring out through the house.  One good bite off the ear and son of a bitch, disappointment always found my house and Easter basket.  My friends got solid bunnies, why couldn’t I?  I didn’t have a clue about finances or budgets or what a solid bunny may even cost, but I didn’t care about any of that crap, I wanted a giant solid Easter Bunny in my basket!

I’ve eaten one hardboiled egg, slightly tainted with color, one bite of hollow bunny, a couple of little tinfoil wrapped footballs, I ‘m dejected, disappointed, sleepy and now the bad news.  Okay family let’s get ready for church, Sunday Easter Service.  These long and painful celebrations of Christ rising from the dead, yeah, yeah let’s get it over with already.  Now don’t get me wrong I am not the anti-Christ, but I’m a kid and I have more chocolate to eat and Grandma can still come through with the solid bunny.  Our family went to church every Sunday, but on Easter Sunday it was different.  It was longer, there were more people, you know the ones, and they only show up twice a year, Easter and Christmas.  I could handle twice a year, you bet, but no we were there every Sunday, very painful for a kid like me.  Our pastor knew the Easter service was long and painful because during the sermon, every year, he would belt out JESUS HAS RISEN, or PRAISE THE LORD, people from every pew would snap from sleep mode and re-focus on him.  I think the only ones paying attention were the kids because we would be the ones giggling at the sleepers who were awakened.  I couldn’t wait to get out of church, get that Easter suit off and get to some more chocolate and Grandma’s house.

Grandma’s house would be filled with aromas: ham, potatoes boiling, and grandpa’s cigarettes and chocolate… now where is my basket?  Would Grammy come through with the solid bunny?  My mom’s entire family would be there, everyone would bring something, including deviled eggs, my aunt’s chicken noodles and then the feasting would commence.  First let’s get to the searching, let me get to it, I know there is something hidden in this house for me and I need it now.  Disappointment soon would follow the searching, hollow bunnies for all.  I know what you are thinking, I have no appreciation for the hollow bunny, you are right.  Hollow bunnies are worthless and nasty.  Any young male between the age of birth and death will never appreciate the need to manufacture a hollow milk chocolate bunny.  The solid bunny rules and always will.  End of story.  So all of you chocolatiers out there stop making the hollow crap, give us the goods, solid, yummy bunnies.

Now for our Easter meal today; ironically Sue found a recipe for Ground Turkey Sloppy Joe’s and we are trying them out for dinner tonight.  I will update on the success or lack thereof next week.  So enjoy your LONG ASS SUNDAY SERVICE, your brunch with deviled eggs tainted with egg dye and chocolate, solid or hollow I guess it is still chocolate.  Oh yes, make sure if you have kids and you’ve colored eggs, they find all of them.  One more thing, I don’t want to hear about all of you who want to brag about your solid bunny.  You make me angry:)

Deception Sandwich

I was reading an email response to last week’s blog when a suggestion given rang close to my home and past.  A friend of mine was reminding me about the meals of his past, which have been very similar to experiences in the Longstreth house.  Even though his memories come thousands of miles from small town Ohio the similarities are creepy.  His past reminded me of a couple of things of my past.  One I will share with you today and the other I will work on because once I get onto that subject it may take a while.  Thank you Kevin for the memories, may your palate overcome the damage of your past.

This one I tried to replicate years ago, but without much success.  I could never get the right texture or flavors to come through.  I recall eating this on many occasions.  I loved this on soft bread.  We purchased this product from the deli at the local IGA Grocery store, or in the day the Pangles Master Market.  Recalling from memory of smells and creamy smooth texture took me back to days less troublesome.  How this is made, I would wonder.  I couldn’t find it at any deli in Seattle. I would get looks of disgust and nausea after asking if they carried such a product.  Am I some kind of alien?  Is there a ban on this product?  Maybe it can’t me made west of the Mississippi.  Could it be possible that the recipe was lost and could never be replicated?  I need to get my hands on some of this.  I know, I’ll show’em I’ll just make my own!  To the grocery I go!  I have made a list of ingredients: mayonnaise, ham, relish, onion, cheese.  That should do it.  This must be the ingredients for my memory of Ham Salad Spread.  Remember this concoction?  Well I tried to make this from scratch without any direction or recipe, just memory.  I was so close too.  But it was just not right, something was missing or something was not supposed to be there.  Some of you probably already know the ingredient which was misidentified.  I did not.  I was stumped.  But as usual I proceeded to eat my mistake, about 1# worth of mistake.  But I made it through.  I was still bound and determined to make this and satisfy my craving.  This time I was making a phone call.  But who do I call some local grocery deli in Ohio?  Nope, I call Marie, my mom.  “Hey mom, I have a question, I’ve been trying to make ham salad spread, and I’ve tried everything.  Here is the list of ingredients I’ve used without much success, what am I doing wrong?”  All I hear on the other end of the phone is laughing.  Now I’m wondering what the hell is going on, am I an idiot or what?  This reaction, by a mother who has over the years probably contaminated my digestive system hundreds of times, is borderline insulting.  Upon regaining her composure she informs me through additional chuckles that I was so wrong with one ingredient that it is beyond her that I would miss this small detail of HAM salad spread.  “What is it I asked?”  “Oh, Robbie,” she snickered “ham salad is made with bologna.”  “Son of a bitch,” I say “then why do they call it ham salad?”  Boy do I feel stupid, I wonder what tuna salad is made with?  After thanking my mom and feeling very depressed I made a trip to my local grocer and purchased some bologna, returned home and made some of the best HAM salad spread ever.  I’m positive there are many recipes for sandwich spreads available to the public, but be leery, do not try and replicate without first doing some research on the ingredients.  It may save you some embarrassment and 1# of nasty spread to consume.

A Mysterious Meaty Memory

I would be inclined to think that we 40 something year olds rarely serve our children meals of our past.  There are certainly dishes we surmise as staples; burgers, meatloaf, spaghetti, etc.  Think back to your childhood and try to recall that one dish you consumed at least once a month.  Without even a consideration of how it became such an iconic staple of our generation, Americans have been eating them since WWII.  This iconic staple would meet specifications for dinner, lunch and budget.  For me it is clear what this entrée was.  This mixture was as traditional as pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving dessert.  Within my little community there were as many recipes as families, and it was served in every school as a nutritional entree.  Every household recipe had its own unique zest and texture.  The meal, which I am speaking, also led to a major food company to invent a canned product which made it even more economical.  Since its debut in 1969, it revolutionized the preparation and consistency and has been available in grocery stores to this day.  I can honestly say that I haven’t eaten one of these since probably 1985.  This kid friendly staple is known worldwide as, none other than the Sloppy Joe.  Who was Joe?  Why was he considered Sloppy?  The history is unclear as where and who is responsible for its creation, but mothers across the country made this sandwich their own.  My mom was no exception.  Her recipe consisted of tomato paste, ketchup, chopped onion, salt, pepper and of course 1lb. of ground beef.  Thank goodness for Hunt’s creation, Manwich Sloppy Joe Sauce.  This finally gave our family flavors outside everyday recognition.  We knew what we liked and Manwich was superior to Marie’s formula.  Just thinking and writing about this sandwich makes my mouth water.  I can recall the taste in my mouth, the aroma, the bun, and even the texture of the paper plate from which we consumed these handmade delicacies.  I say we bring this back!  Right now, one or four of these sound really, really good.  Maybe tonight I will make them for my family.  Maybe I will go out and get that can of Manwich, brown up some ground turkey, spoon up some sandwiches, sit back, and recall my past.  Savoring every delicious mouthful of seasoned, tomato-y goodness, I will reminisce of good times and family events.  What a vehicle for a drive down memory lane!  A simple bun filled with simple goodness and served proudly on a paper plate.   How could life get easier than that?