Deception Sandwich

I was reading an email response to last week’s blog when a suggestion given rang close to my home and past.  A friend of mine was reminding me about the meals of his past, which have been very similar to experiences in the Longstreth house.  Even though his memories come thousands of miles from small town Ohio the similarities are creepy.  His past reminded me of a couple of things of my past.  One I will share with you today and the other I will work on because once I get onto that subject it may take a while.  Thank you Kevin for the memories, may your palate overcome the damage of your past.

This one I tried to replicate years ago, but without much success.  I could never get the right texture or flavors to come through.  I recall eating this on many occasions.  I loved this on soft bread.  We purchased this product from the deli at the local IGA Grocery store, or in the day the Pangles Master Market.  Recalling from memory of smells and creamy smooth texture took me back to days less troublesome.  How this is made, I would wonder.  I couldn’t find it at any deli in Seattle. I would get looks of disgust and nausea after asking if they carried such a product.  Am I some kind of alien?  Is there a ban on this product?  Maybe it can’t me made west of the Mississippi.  Could it be possible that the recipe was lost and could never be replicated?  I need to get my hands on some of this.  I know, I’ll show’em I’ll just make my own!  To the grocery I go!  I have made a list of ingredients: mayonnaise, ham, relish, onion, cheese.  That should do it.  This must be the ingredients for my memory of Ham Salad Spread.  Remember this concoction?  Well I tried to make this from scratch without any direction or recipe, just memory.  I was so close too.  But it was just not right, something was missing or something was not supposed to be there.  Some of you probably already know the ingredient which was misidentified.  I did not.  I was stumped.  But as usual I proceeded to eat my mistake, about 1# worth of mistake.  But I made it through.  I was still bound and determined to make this and satisfy my craving.  This time I was making a phone call.  But who do I call some local grocery deli in Ohio?  Nope, I call Marie, my mom.  “Hey mom, I have a question, I’ve been trying to make ham salad spread, and I’ve tried everything.  Here is the list of ingredients I’ve used without much success, what am I doing wrong?”  All I hear on the other end of the phone is laughing.  Now I’m wondering what the hell is going on, am I an idiot or what?  This reaction, by a mother who has over the years probably contaminated my digestive system hundreds of times, is borderline insulting.  Upon regaining her composure she informs me through additional chuckles that I was so wrong with one ingredient that it is beyond her that I would miss this small detail of HAM salad spread.  “What is it I asked?”  “Oh, Robbie,” she snickered “ham salad is made with bologna.”  “Son of a bitch,” I say “then why do they call it ham salad?”  Boy do I feel stupid, I wonder what tuna salad is made with?  After thanking my mom and feeling very depressed I made a trip to my local grocer and purchased some bologna, returned home and made some of the best HAM salad spread ever.  I’m positive there are many recipes for sandwich spreads available to the public, but be leery, do not try and replicate without first doing some research on the ingredients.  It may save you some embarrassment and 1# of nasty spread to consume.